~Guilty Conscience~

Good Morning! I wonder what today as in store for me and I sit at my desk this morning. I hope everyone had a great Halloween. I didn’t do anything for Halloween; not even pass out candy. I went home and went to sleep and woke up the next day. I am looking forward to the weekend. I am finally getting a chance to go see my grandmother in Memphis. She is not doing so well though. She has cancer and it’s spread all throughout her body. She won’t go to the doctors to get treated, so it’s just a matter of time before I get a call from my dad saying she has passed away. I know this will hurt my dad and I don’t want to see him hurting but I am going to be there for him no matter what the case may be. I don’t know what to expect when I see her. I heard she has lost SO much weight. I believe she weighs less than 90lbs. Amongst all the other things that are wrong with her she also has Lupus Disease. I don’t know if it is hereditary or not. In fact, I am reading on it now. Here are some FAQ:

What is lupus?

Lupus is a chronic autoimmune (‘auto’ meaning ’self’) disease in which the body’s immune system becomes ‘hyperactive’ and attacks the body’s normal tissues. It is much like the body being allergic to itself. Lupus is not contagious.

Is lupus hereditary?

While there is not scientific proof that lupus is hereditary, it is suspected that some people may be more susceptible to lupus through genetics. 10% of people with lupus have a close relative with lupus or relative(s) who may develop lupus. Much research in this area is currently taking place.

Is lupus common to all races?

People of all races can get lupus. However, lupus is 2 to 3 times more common among African-Americans, Hispanics, Asians, and Native Americans than other races. Among African-American women, as many as 1 in 250 young women will develop lupus.

Are there lupus ‘triggers’?

Certain factors may act as a trigger such as Ultra-Violet light, hormones, infection and possibly stress. While stress has not been proven to be a trigger factor in lupus, most people living with lupus will confirm stress is a major factor in the illness.

Can lupus be cured?

While there is still no cure for lupus, it can generally be controlled with medications. Research for a cure is ongoing and promising.

I am going to look into it a little more and see if I really need to be tested or not. Because I would like to know and that way if I were to have that then I would atleast start taking medications to control it.

Well, as you could tell yesterday I was feeling a little down and out. By the end of the night I was talking to an old friend of mine about it and he was trying to encourage me. The next morning he shows up at my place to see how I was doing and then it happened. YES. “IT.” Do I have regrets? No. I was feeling pretty bad and I wanted to change my mood. And that worked. HAHAHA.

After it happened I started to feel as though I had made a mistake but I am tired of listening to everyone and their opinions about certain aspects of my life. I really take what certain friends and family say to heart, but I am starting to get in the mode to where I don’t care anymore. I have been let down so many times when I try to tell a friend or family member my opinion and they just ignore me but get mad when I don’t do what they say. So I am going to live my life for me. I will have to deal with the consequences when/if it happens.

Just now I am getting an opinion from my sister about the situation and she is going on and on about basically how irresponsible I am and blah blah blah. I am so sick of it. I really starting to get irritated by it. They make it seem like I’m some kind of hoe. And I am not. I’m not sleeping with every man I meet.  If that was the case I would have been pregnant or had a disease by now.

Can’t they just let me live? 

I sit in my chair at my internship and wonder did I make the biggest mistake of my life. I have a visitor come and see me this morning. I didn’t know what to do when I saw him at the door but I let him in anyways. Why? I have no idea. We start talking and then talking lead into something else. Something I am starting to regret. Just when I thought I was over someone and I had conquered my goal, WHAM, I am back to where I started. I guess I am weaker than what I thought. But I can’t hide the fact that I still love this man. The worst part is that I know it’s not going to work between us because a certain issue on his end.

Why is it so hard to hide your feelings from someone when you care a lot about them. For example, I met someone a while ago and I really liked this guy and he liked me. Now after a few weeks I start to ask myself why? Why do I like this person when they never call me? Why do I continue to text this person when they never respond? Why do I get into a bad mood when they don’t show up to places we usually hang out? Why do I let myself get put into situations like this? WHY?!?!?!?! If I could answer any one of those questions I would be fine. But until I can I will still be asking myself, why.

I start to think to myself the reason why any of my relationships last. It doesn’t matter how many times I think about this question I get the same answer. His name is Stephen. Stephen was my first true love. I loved that man with all my heart and I still do to a certain extent. He was my first in everything aspect of my life. I know that if I had went to college in ATL instead of TN I would have married that man and I would be happy at this moment. I wouldn’t have to worry about ever finding someone that would fill his shoes. I would never have to worry am I going to be a lonely single woman for the rest of my life because I can never find happiness?

Is there someone in this world that will be mine forever? Who knows. But until then I will continue to live my life the way I only know how.

This weekend has been fun, somewhat. I was sick all day Friday and some of Sat. I didn’t have the strength to go to work but unfortunately they made me come in. I am not sure if I still like working there anymore. I always get bored with jobs that are repetitive so I wonder how things will work out when I get a regular nine to five job.

Yesterday, was my stepmothers birthday and 15 of her brothers and sisters came down from Gary, IN. to celebrate with us. My stepmother didn’t know there was a party and we kept it a surprise until she came down the stairs and we all sang “Happy Birthday.” It was really fun and there was a lot of food. All that food made me feel like I was in heaven.

Today, I went to church of course and sang in the choir. Singing is something that I really enjoy doing. But later on tonight, I am going to my favorite bar to sing karaoke. I know what you all are probably thinking, “she just went to church and now she is going to sing at a bar!” I know. I know. But I love to sing and the DJ usually comes on Wednesday, but he was sick and couldn’t make it so he will be there tonight.

Well, after all this randomness I am going to go and find something to eat.

There are no word to express how the concert was last night. I didn’t think I would have to good time only because it’s country music; not my favorite genre of music. But I figured it couldn’t be that bad. Boy am I glad I went. I had so much fun.

I went to the taping of “Gone Country” where Rich (from Big & Rich) hosted. I believe the point of the show was to has various artist stay here in Nashville for over a 2 week period and during that time they were to write a song and compose it. To my understanding who ever won there song would be produced by Big & Rich (I think). The artists that were performing: Big & Rich (of course), Sisqo, Bobby Brown, Diana Degarmo, Julio Inglesias, Jr., and more.

I only stayed during the ones I listed. They were awesome. It was amazing to be so close to these artists. And I didn’t realize how sexy Julio Inglesias was. I know his brother Enrique was fine, but he is even sexier. Sisqo was awesome. After he performed the song he wrote he did The Thong Song. The crowd went crazy! So did I! Diana Degarmo’s song was really good, but I see why she came in 2nd to Fantasia on American Idol.

My whole reasoning for going to the show was to see Bobby Brown. He was been in the news recently with the whole divorcing of Whitney Houston, and I was curious to see how he would sound. He was struggling a bit to sing his songs but you could tell his song came from the heart. And of course he did his infamous song My Prerogative. I was so excited to hear that song and so was the crowd. Sisqo came back on stage with him when he started singing the song.

So overall, I am very glad that I went to the concert last night. I really had a good time with my dear friend Kelley.   I just wish the smart ass comments we made over the entire night about people and the performers would be aired. We should have been kicked out.

Here are some photos that Kelley took with her phone:

They are all of Bobby Brown.

I wonder what today has in store for me. It should be interesting because I am going to a concert where Bobby Brown and Sisqo are performing. I can’t wait because I think they are doing a country song. I wasn’t going to go but then I thought, “What the hell is Bobby Brown going to sing?” He must be desperate for song money since his wife let his ass. HA. But anyways, tomorrow will be the first day I come back to work since I had 5 days off in a row. It is going to be really hard for me to do that because I don’t care to work there. I could just find another job but it’s too much of a hassle for me. And plus I may be  moving in Jan. so I think I can stick it out for that long. But I hardly doubt I will.

I just can’t wait to graduate and find a job in my field because I would rather be working that job than where I am now. It’s not what I want to do in life, but I feel that it might be. I keep hearing from all these people that graduated from my school that it is very hard to find a job in Graphic Design. I wonder do they not contact the right people. I hope that I don’t have the same problem because designing is my life and if I can’t do that then there is nothing else to do. 

Well, im here at my internship and they had a party for the Rascal Flatts. It was really fun because I met new people in this huge office building. I also met the singer of The Lucky Bucks. From all the photos I have been looking at I didn’t anyone from the group was cute. But the lead singer is FINE!!! He was so nice and courteous. That was the first time I have meet any singer from any group while I have been here. And I have interned here before and I never got out to meet anyone. Then again, I was kept pretty much hidden. Why? I couldn’t tell you why. But I am out and about now. Look out world. Here comes Toya!

As I sit here and watch all these movies that have these happy endings, I wonder if this is going to happen to me. I sit here contemplating my life and what is going to make of it. Will I be a successful graphic designer? Will I ever be fortunate to have someone to spend the rest of my life with? I ask myself all of these things all the time. Yet, I have no answer.

Will there ever be a day where I will be a bride? What really burdens me is the one chance I had at marriage it was turned away. Do I have regrets? Yes, who wouldn’t. But I am sure that further down the line there will be someone to fill the shoes. Hopefully.

There have been some men that I have thought could fill them but for some reason I tend to shut them out somehow. Why do I do such a thing, I have yet to figure out. I suggest it’s the fact that someone is getting to close to me and I am afraid I will get hurt. Who knows.

I would like to meet a good, Christian man that knows what he wants in life and does it. I do not have time to help someone define themselves when I can barely define myself. I wish for this man to be everything I have ever dreamed about and more.

It amuses me that my mother thinks I should not let this one particular person go but we are entirely different. I find myself questioning why I like this person when we disagree on many topics. What is it about this man that I am attracted to? But once again, I find myself pulling back and shutting myself out because I am afraid of the unknown with him.

I sometime feel as though I will become some bitter old woman who patronizes every man and has a cold heart for the rest of her life. I feel as though it is my destiny to become this woman. But I do not want to be. In fact, I want to be the opposite but as days go by I feel myself turning into her more and more.

What am I do?

Sincerely,
A Concerned Woman

Okay, where do I begin. As is gets closer to the month of Dec. I am getting more and more worried about my life. I am about to graduate college and that will be most exciting yet scary for me. I am finally going to be on my own and I have no idea where to start. I am trying to find jobs here in the Nashville area, but I am not having any luck. I told my sister that I would move to TX with her and her husband in Jan. because I want to start a new chapter in my life and see where it takes me. I want to move because it’s like a fresh start for me, but at the same time me and this guy here in Nashville are hitting it off pretty good. I didn’t want anything to happen that would hinder me from moving, but it happened.

I have so much planned for my life and I feel like I might not accomplish much because my expectations are so high. I feel like I am setting myself up for failure. Hopefully that is not the case.

Man!  Where do I begin… this is my first blog on here and all I have to write about it drama.  That's all I have in my life right now.  DRAMA. DRAMA. DRAMA.  My life revolves around it.  So here it is:  my sister thinks that her ex and I have something going on.  She thinks this because he texts me and calls me more than her.  She just doesn't understand that it's hard to communicate with someone that thinks that they are right all the time.

The reason she thinks I like him is because I understand both sides of a situation and I am the type of person that would rather make peace then take one side of the situation…just because she might be mad at him doesn't mean that I have to be because it has nothing to do with me and that's what she doesn't like.

Yea… i do hate being the middle person at times. But I have really gotten used to it.  I have tried to tell her many times that I do not like him but it never seems to work.  She has never come to me about it but she is quick to go to my mother and my other sister about it and they ask me all types of questions that I know she wants to know. 

 I know the truth.