~Guilty Conscience~

Well, as you could tell yesterday I was feeling a little down and out. By the end of the night I was talking to an old friend of mine about it and he was trying to encourage me. The next morning he shows up at my place to see how I was doing and then it happened. YES. “IT.” Do I have regrets? No. I was feeling pretty bad and I wanted to change my mood. And that worked. HAHAHA.

After it happened I started to feel as though I had made a mistake but I am tired of listening to everyone and their opinions about certain aspects of my life. I really take what certain friends and family say to heart, but I am starting to get in the mode to where I don’t care anymore. I have been let down so many times when I try to tell a friend or family member my opinion and they just ignore me but get mad when I don’t do what they say. So I am going to live my life for me. I will have to deal with the consequences when/if it happens.

Just now I am getting an opinion from my sister about the situation and she is going on and on about basically how irresponsible I am and blah blah blah. I am so sick of it. I really starting to get irritated by it. They make it seem like I’m some kind of hoe. And I am not. I’m not sleeping with every man I meet.  If that was the case I would have been pregnant or had a disease by now.

Can’t they just let me live? 

I sit in my chair at my internship and wonder did I make the biggest mistake of my life. I have a visitor come and see me this morning. I didn’t know what to do when I saw him at the door but I let him in anyways. Why? I have no idea. We start talking and then talking lead into something else. Something I am starting to regret. Just when I thought I was over someone and I had conquered my goal, WHAM, I am back to where I started. I guess I am weaker than what I thought. But I can’t hide the fact that I still love this man. The worst part is that I know it’s not going to work between us because a certain issue on his end.

Why is it so hard to hide your feelings from someone when you care a lot about them. For example, I met someone a while ago and I really liked this guy and he liked me. Now after a few weeks I start to ask myself why? Why do I like this person when they never call me? Why do I continue to text this person when they never respond? Why do I get into a bad mood when they don’t show up to places we usually hang out? Why do I let myself get put into situations like this? WHY?!?!?!?! If I could answer any one of those questions I would be fine. But until I can I will still be asking myself, why.

I start to think to myself the reason why any of my relationships last. It doesn’t matter how many times I think about this question I get the same answer. His name is Stephen. Stephen was my first true love. I loved that man with all my heart and I still do to a certain extent. He was my first in everything aspect of my life. I know that if I had went to college in ATL instead of TN I would have married that man and I would be happy at this moment. I wouldn’t have to worry about ever finding someone that would fill his shoes. I would never have to worry am I going to be a lonely single woman for the rest of my life because I can never find happiness?

Is there someone in this world that will be mine forever? Who knows. But until then I will continue to live my life the way I only know how.

This weekend has been fun, somewhat. I was sick all day Friday and some of Sat. I didn’t have the strength to go to work but unfortunately they made me come in. I am not sure if I still like working there anymore. I always get bored with jobs that are repetitive so I wonder how things will work out when I get a regular nine to five job.

Yesterday, was my stepmothers birthday and 15 of her brothers and sisters came down from Gary, IN. to celebrate with us. My stepmother didn’t know there was a party and we kept it a surprise until she came down the stairs and we all sang “Happy Birthday.” It was really fun and there was a lot of food. All that food made me feel like I was in heaven.

Today, I went to church of course and sang in the choir. Singing is something that I really enjoy doing. But later on tonight, I am going to my favorite bar to sing karaoke. I know what you all are probably thinking, “she just went to church and now she is going to sing at a bar!” I know. I know. But I love to sing and the DJ usually comes on Wednesday, but he was sick and couldn’t make it so he will be there tonight.

Well, after all this randomness I am going to go and find something to eat.

There are no word to express how the concert was last night. I didn’t think I would have to good time only because it’s country music; not my favorite genre of music. But I figured it couldn’t be that bad. Boy am I glad I went. I had so much fun.

I went to the taping of “Gone Country” where Rich (from Big & Rich) hosted. I believe the point of the show was to has various artist stay here in Nashville for over a 2 week period and during that time they were to write a song and compose it. To my understanding who ever won there song would be produced by Big & Rich (I think). The artists that were performing: Big & Rich (of course), Sisqo, Bobby Brown, Diana Degarmo, Julio Inglesias, Jr., and more.

I only stayed during the ones I listed. They were awesome. It was amazing to be so close to these artists. And I didn’t realize how sexy Julio Inglesias was. I know his brother Enrique was fine, but he is even sexier. Sisqo was awesome. After he performed the song he wrote he did The Thong Song. The crowd went crazy! So did I! Diana Degarmo’s song was really good, but I see why she came in 2nd to Fantasia on American Idol.

My whole reasoning for going to the show was to see Bobby Brown. He was been in the news recently with the whole divorcing of Whitney Houston, and I was curious to see how he would sound. He was struggling a bit to sing his songs but you could tell his song came from the heart. And of course he did his infamous song My Prerogative. I was so excited to hear that song and so was the crowd. Sisqo came back on stage with him when he started singing the song.

So overall, I am very glad that I went to the concert last night. I really had a good time with my dear friend Kelley.   I just wish the smart ass comments we made over the entire night about people and the performers would be aired. We should have been kicked out.

Here are some photos that Kelley took with her phone:

They are all of Bobby Brown.

I wonder what today has in store for me. It should be interesting because I am going to a concert where Bobby Brown and Sisqo are performing. I can’t wait because I think they are doing a country song. I wasn’t going to go but then I thought, “What the hell is Bobby Brown going to sing?” He must be desperate for song money since his wife let his ass. HA. But anyways, tomorrow will be the first day I come back to work since I had 5 days off in a row. It is going to be really hard for me to do that because I don’t care to work there. I could just find another job but it’s too much of a hassle for me. And plus I may be  moving in Jan. so I think I can stick it out for that long. But I hardly doubt I will.

I just can’t wait to graduate and find a job in my field because I would rather be working that job than where I am now. It’s not what I want to do in life, but I feel that it might be. I keep hearing from all these people that graduated from my school that it is very hard to find a job in Graphic Design. I wonder do they not contact the right people. I hope that I don’t have the same problem because designing is my life and if I can’t do that then there is nothing else to do. 

Well, im here at my internship and they had a party for the Rascal Flatts. It was really fun because I met new people in this huge office building. I also met the singer of The Lucky Bucks. From all the photos I have been looking at I didn’t anyone from the group was cute. But the lead singer is FINE!!! He was so nice and courteous. That was the first time I have meet any singer from any group while I have been here. And I have interned here before and I never got out to meet anyone. Then again, I was kept pretty much hidden. Why? I couldn’t tell you why. But I am out and about now. Look out world. Here comes Toya!

As I sit here and watch all these movies that have these happy endings, I wonder if this is going to happen to me. I sit here contemplating my life and what is going to make of it. Will I be a successful graphic designer? Will I ever be fortunate to have someone to spend the rest of my life with? I ask myself all of these things all the time. Yet, I have no answer.

Will there ever be a day where I will be a bride? What really burdens me is the one chance I had at marriage it was turned away. Do I have regrets? Yes, who wouldn’t. But I am sure that further down the line there will be someone to fill the shoes. Hopefully.

There have been some men that I have thought could fill them but for some reason I tend to shut them out somehow. Why do I do such a thing, I have yet to figure out. I suggest it’s the fact that someone is getting to close to me and I am afraid I will get hurt. Who knows.

I would like to meet a good, Christian man that knows what he wants in life and does it. I do not have time to help someone define themselves when I can barely define myself. I wish for this man to be everything I have ever dreamed about and more.

It amuses me that my mother thinks I should not let this one particular person go but we are entirely different. I find myself questioning why I like this person when we disagree on many topics. What is it about this man that I am attracted to? But once again, I find myself pulling back and shutting myself out because I am afraid of the unknown with him.

I sometime feel as though I will become some bitter old woman who patronizes every man and has a cold heart for the rest of her life. I feel as though it is my destiny to become this woman. But I do not want to be. In fact, I want to be the opposite but as days go by I feel myself turning into her more and more.

What am I do?

Sincerely,
A Concerned Woman

Okay, where do I begin. As is gets closer to the month of Dec. I am getting more and more worried about my life. I am about to graduate college and that will be most exciting yet scary for me. I am finally going to be on my own and I have no idea where to start. I am trying to find jobs here in the Nashville area, but I am not having any luck. I told my sister that I would move to TX with her and her husband in Jan. because I want to start a new chapter in my life and see where it takes me. I want to move because it’s like a fresh start for me, but at the same time me and this guy here in Nashville are hitting it off pretty good. I didn’t want anything to happen that would hinder me from moving, but it happened.

I have so much planned for my life and I feel like I might not accomplish much because my expectations are so high. I feel like I am setting myself up for failure. Hopefully that is not the case.