My life…
I sit in my chair at my internship and wonder did I make the biggest mistake of my life. I have a visitor come and see me this morning. I didn’t know what to do when I saw him at the door but I let him in anyways. Why? I have no idea. We start talking and then talking lead into something else. Something I am starting to regret. Just when I thought I was over someone and I had conquered my goal, WHAM, I am back to where I started. I guess I am weaker than what I thought. But I can’t hide the fact that I still love this man. The worst part is that I know it’s not going to work between us because a certain issue on his end.
Why is it so hard to hide your feelings from someone when you care a lot about them. For example, I met someone a while ago and I really liked this guy and he liked me. Now after a few weeks I start to ask myself why? Why do I like this person when they never call me? Why do I continue to text this person when they never respond? Why do I get into a bad mood when they don’t show up to places we usually hang out? Why do I let myself get put into situations like this? WHY?!?!?!?! If I could answer any one of those questions I would be fine. But until I can I will still be asking myself, why.
I start to think to myself the reason why any of my relationships last. It doesn’t matter how many times I think about this question I get the same answer. His name is Stephen. Stephen was my first true love. I loved that man with all my heart and I still do to a certain extent. He was my first in everything aspect of my life. I know that if I had went to college in ATL instead of TN I would have married that man and I would be happy at this moment. I wouldn’t have to worry about ever finding someone that would fill his shoes. I would never have to worry am I going to be a lonely single woman for the rest of my life because I can never find happiness?
Is there someone in this world that will be mine forever? Who knows. But until then I will continue to live my life the way I only know how.
Kelley said,
October 30, 2007 at 6:53 pm
My horoscope yesterday actually said that I don’t always have to show my feelings, and that eventually I will feel better to just keep them to myself, which I guess makes sense, but it is so hard to hide how you really feel. And really, why should you?
I know that you will find someone eventually because you hung the moon in my book, but we all hate waiting and wondering who it will be and when we will find him. Sometimes we don’t necessarily miss who we’ve lost, but what we’ve lost. There will be plenty of Stephens in this world, I guess it’s just a matter of waiting for them to come around.
Hang in there pretty lady. It will come to you.